The Psychology of Selling

When to leave your sales “child” at the office

By Sandler Systems, the nation’s leading resource for sales training

Transactional Analysis, or TA, is the human relationship based selling model built upon and around the premise that each one of us, through no fault or effort of our own, is actually three people in one:

The Child we once were
A “copy” of the Parent or other authority figure we observed when we were that child
An objective, analytical and logical Adult processor of data

Each of these figures represents one aspect of our “ego state,” referred to as the Child, the Parent and the Adult. David Sandler, the mastermind behind Sandler Systems, was able to develop strategies to not only recognize these ego states as they relate to sales, but also to explain and adapt appropriate ego state-directed behavior specifically to the selling arena.

The Child

The Child ego state is a permanent record of your internal responses to external experiences that occurred during the first five years of your life. While your Parent ego was recording what to do, what to say, and how to act, your Child ego was recording how you felt, your instincts, intuition and sense of physical self.

One Sandler Rule is, “People make buying decisions emotionally. They only justify their decisions intellectually.” The Child makes that emotional decision of “I want it” or “I don’t want it.” Your Child ego should be left at the office! The selling process is not the time to play games, act selfishly, or seek approval. The Child should play no part in the interaction between you and your prospect.

You might be thinking that’s obvious, but it’s easier said than done! Read on for ways that our Child can sneak into conversations and meetings without your permission!

The Parent

The Parent ego state actually has two components; the Critical Parent and the Nurturing Parent. When dealing with prospects, your most productive behavior is your Nurturing Parent. Your messages and conversation should take on the qualities of warmth, friendliness and support. Statements like, “I can feel your frustration,” or “I’d feel the same way if I were in your shoes,” get better responses than, “Don’t let that bother you, it’s not important,” or “That wouldn’t bother me.” Telling the prospect what to do or how to do it is the Critical Parent talking, and that will turn a prospect off.

A good balance to keep in mind is that your Nurturing Parent ego state should direct 70% of the interactions with your prospects.

The Adult

The Adult ego state should direct the other 30% of your interactions with prospects. Adult-directed communications are intellectual, i.e., rational and logical statements of fact and evaluation of data.

So how can knowing about ego states improve your interactions with prospects?

If you have an Adult understanding with the prospect whereby you can ask questions and share information, you can engage the prospect’s Child to uncover the reasons for doing business. Meanwhile, the prospect’s Parent watches the process and keeps you from overwhelming the Child and getting a premature decision. The prospect’s Parent gives the Child permission to buy the product or service. The prospect’s Adult can then evaluate the facts and make the decision.

Would it help to go back and read that paragraph again? Transactional Analysis is fascinating in action – but it takes a little practice to “watch” it happen when you’re on the inside of a sale.

One of the benefits of the Sandler System is the skill to recognize the prospect’s ego states as well as your own and act accordingly, calling on the appropriate behaviors of your own ego states to influence theirs. The result is positive interactions with both prospects and clients!

Transactional analysis in action – when under attack, fall back

Let’s look at an example of TA in action …

Has this ever happened to you? You’re in the middle of a discussion with a prospect, and suddenly you’re caught unaware by what feels like a personal attack.

Maybe the prospect says something like, “You obviously don’t know a whole lot about our industry,” or “This presentation has no relevance to what you and I talked about.” Or maybe you pick up a sudden, distinctly negative body language signal, like the prospect shaking his head slowly back and forth or a skeptical set of her jaw.

And then what happens? You fight back. Without much thought, and driven by barely suppressed emotion, you react immediately!

Perhaps you say, “On the contrary, I did a lot of in-depth research on your industry,” or, “Actually, I took very detailed notes during our previous conversation, and this presentation/demonstration is based exclusively on those notes. Here, I can show you.” Or worst of all, “What’s that supposed to mean?”

These are all emotional reactions. No matter how “right” you may happen to be in your instant rebuttal, it’s a good bet that you will lose the sale, and damage the relationship, by reacting in this way.

So what’s really happening here?

This is Transactional Analysis in action. In this example, you can probably identify from which ego state the salesperson and the prospect are operating: nurturing or critical Parent, detached Adult or emotional Child. This is how we’re wired. When the prospect made that comment or sent that negative body language signal, he or she was, in all likelihood, responding from the Child ego state.

While it’s important to avoid triggering negative Child responses from your prospects, it’s even more important to suppress your own Child reactions to the things your prospects say or do!

The next time you get this kind of feedback from a prospect, step back and make a conscious effort to leave your own Child out of the discussion. When you’re under attack, fall back!

The best way to do this is simply to take a deep breath and remind yourself that while it’s normal to ask yourself what you did “wrong,” a far more constructive question to ask is, “What’s wrong with the prospect?”

By focusing on the prospect, rather than reacting from your own Child Ego State, you can comment or ask questions from an Adult or Nurturing Parent position. This allows you to explore the motivation for the prospect’s action. For instance:

“Bill, what is it that I’ve said that makes you doubt my research?”

“Mary, what is it specifically about my presentation that isn’t working for you?”

Or simply: “I suspect that what I’ve presented thus far is not what you were hoping for.” (Then stop talking.)

By making a conscious choice to leave your Child out of the discussion, you can re-engage, reassess and reclaim momentum in the discussion. You’ll identify what really triggered the negative response. You’ll stand a much better chance of sustaining a positive business relationship with this person … and, eventually, closing the deal.

Interested in learning more about how to achieve success – both professionally and personally? To schedule a complimentary 30-minute advisory session on transactional analysis, a formula for success, or other sales or sales management challenges, send your request and contact information to SalesTips@repertoiremag.com with “Free Consultation” in the subject line.

About Sandler Training

With over 250 local training centers around the globe, Sandler is the worldwide leader for sales, management, and customer service training. We help individuals and teams from Fortune 500 companies to independent producers dramatically improve sales, while reducing operational and leadership friction.